New Wall Street Definitions.
These terms have been updated to fit today's times:
CEO - Chief Embezzlement Officer.
CFO - Corporate Fraud Officer.
BULL MARKET - A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET - A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
P/E RATIO - The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER - What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR - Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST - Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT - When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves..
MARKET CORRECTION - The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW - The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR - Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
MOMENTUM INVESTING - The fine art of buying high and selling low.
VALUE INVESTING - The art of buying low and selling lower.
"BUY, BUY" - A flight attendant making market recommendations as you step off the plane.
FINANCIAL PLANNER - A guy who actually remembers his wallet when he runs to the 7-11 for toilet paper and cigarettes.
CALL OPTION - Something people used to do with a telephone in ancient times before e-mail.
YAHOO - What you yell after selling all you owned to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
WINDOWS - What you jump out of when you're the sucker that bought Yahoo for $240 per share.
PROFIT - Religious guy who talks to God.
BILL GATES - Where God goes for a loan.
ALAN GREENSPAN - God (past tense).
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